Levels

I just had my second internal meeting today. The first one was on the 3rd day of this job and I was like a lost sheep in the office. Today though, I had a voice and several opinions. People listened to me. They agreed with me most of the time and corrected me during the other times, but they listened to me. It is nice to know that you have a place in this team that you are in, and that is what I am experiencing right now. Yes, often I still find that I am trying to learn stuff and often I fear that I am slow. But the point is that I am still contributing and that makes a difference. It is also weird but yet refreshing to have someone working with me, but yet slightly ‘under’ me. It isn’t fair to say this as she is way more experienced in this current job than me, but the fact is she is assisting me with my work. It is the first time I am of that level to give work to someone, after 26 years. It also made me realize how comfortable I became being the lowest in a group, in a company, in my social circles. It scared me a little when I first thought about that.

I need another relaxing weekend.

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Recovery

Today I experienced something I have not experienced in 5 years.

Food poisoning.

Thankfully most of the toxins have been flushed out already. Still feeling very weak and still slightly feverish, but at least the vomiting has stopped. I feel bad too, I had to cancel both my plans today and call off soccer on Wednesday. And I was actually looking forward to every single plan that was made.

At least it didn’t ruin my entire weekend. Swimming and suntanning with Isabel was good and Ying Loong’s daughter’s 1st birthday party was fun, talked to the bosses also and learnt some stuff through conversations.

Half a weekend ruined is better than having the whole weekend ruined.

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Love

As someone single, I always thought that there was only one way love can kill you, and that is the crushing blow of rejection. Constantly chasing someone who will never ever turn to look at you and consider you, to the point where she isn’t a crush, but a fantasy.

I’ve had a few dreams recently that makes me believe that there other emotions that can kill you – envy and jealously. I know of a girl whom I met who has a boyfriend. She is a really sweet and nice girl and I constantly say that her boyfriend is lucky to have her in his life. I realized however, that perhaps I liked her all along. I never had that infatuation nor a crush kind of feeling because I have always accepted that she is already taken. But I now realize that it is the feeling of envy and jealousy that is killing me know. I want to have someone like her, I want to have her, but I cannot, because there is another guy out there, who has her, and loves her, and she loves him back.

Like A Valley With No Echo, Passion’s Grace 11/9/2016. Rochor Centre, Singapore.

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