These Memories I Cling To – XIII: A Spark of Grace

2014 ended with the main bunch of the archi peeps graduating. I didn’t. I went back to Singapore early and I did not see their graduation. In fact on graduation day I was in KL with Kuay Yee. She was tour guide for a day and brought me around. It was really very nice of her.

2015 proved to be really different with so many different friends. A lot of faces I did not see again, some familiar faces, brand new memories.

Exit 2014: The main archi batch (fav friend, Ras, Naz, Bryan, Luke, Jits, Katherine, Lei Kuan, etc)
Enter 2015: Daniel, May, Jason, Kylie, Aloy, Joey Teh, Guanwen, Sze Yun, Shangee, Jonathan, Yahn Rur, Alex.

While the new people of 2015 dominated most of my leisure time in Tassie, it was also old friends of mine whole companies also proved invaluable. Logen, Ellie, Zhen Yi, Joey Ho, Su Ni, Joel, Andi, Nikki, Colina, Charles, Kuay Yee amongst other people.

Before I start today memories, it is friends like Joey Ho who came back for a short period but made the effort to meet occasionally despite clashing schedules whom I really respect. We took nice photos at Coffee Republic.

Miss this crazy woman lol.

Okay anyway, I had always wanted to explore the Liffey Falls but never found the time to do so, til this year. Headed there with Daniel (knew him since Poly and Ras’ good friend) and Justine, a new aquaintance. The walk to the waterfall was surprisingly shorter than expected. We went off the beaten (man-made rather) track and walked along the slippery rocks and right by the river stream, grappling and gropping our way down the more challenging parts for my unfit self.

Okay let’s be honest, it wasn’t spectecular, but it was serene. The green encompasing the soft light tunneled through the canopy which focused its incandescent self onto the waterfall, from its crest to its base, provided the eyes and camera lenses a pleasant sight to behold. Althought it was still summer, the luscious nature cooled the air – it even emitted a rather sweet and joyous atmosphere.

Pity I never went there again. Had always wanted to revisit that gem of a waterfall.

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I

I don’t get angry and frustrated at people for no reason.

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I am angry with you because you never ever walk the talk. You say you will do this and that. Show it to me. Prove it to me that you mean it. Don’t say that you need me in your life when your actions speak otherwise. The world doesn’t revolve around you, friendship is a give and take, especially our kind of friendship. You don’t get to say you did not make me feel this way when I am telling you that you did. There is no round about excuses for making me feel how I feel. If you mean it, make an effort, if not, I am already done trying to save this and am ready to walk away anytime. You are someone important to me, but you are no queen; not to me, not to anyone. Reality check.

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I am put off by you for just talking to me just because your boyfriend is not around and hoping I can cheer you up. Well not really, that isn’t 100% true. But you just rant, expecting me to cheer you up, and of course I do, I am your friend. But no matter whatever I say you just write them off. And when your boyfy comes along and calls you and say hi, you get all better already. Good for you, but don’t treat me as a sub par second rate go to person to cheer you up.

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I am put off by you when you tell me you understand how I feel and how you will be there for me, but ever so often fail to even acknowledge my messages when I do message.

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I have given up trying to grow our friendship, I have stopped taking the initiative to talk to you. You ever so often write yourself off for no reason and get ever so mad and angry with me for no reason. You don’t practise what you preach. You always shoot careless advises without thinking and take them back when it’s too late.

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I am angry at all of you. I am not inivisible just because I am no longer within sight. I may not be a close friend, but I am worth acknowledgement when I speak.

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I am angry and how you can so easily write us off. We put in the effort, you should too.

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I am disappointed at how stereotypical you are, towards both nationalities, races and religon. You studied overseas as well, you should certainly know better. You tried to integrate us with your interests and we did oblige. About time you did the same and trying to appreciate other people’s interests as well. Well not mine, but the people around you.

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I may not be much, but I am human.

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Délivrance

This song was often played during my road trips in Tasmania. I was listening to it on the way back from the SOC camp where I am helping out with audit when I realized one thing –

Nature truly connects with our emotions and soul. I recalled being lost in Cressy in Tasmania, but while I stood out in the middle of nowhere to take a picture of the sunset, the wind flowing and skimping past the surface of my skin with the smell of nature took my breath away. It made me less hardy. I became soft and more open to warmth and this was something I kept with me til now.

And it is something that cannot sustain me back in Singapore.

I’m not a big fan of jazz, but I still know how to appreciate it and was even in the jazz band for a year.

The same way I am not a big fan of buildings and would rather be with nature, but yet I can still appreciate them and I even have a degree in architecture.

Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

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Timeless Sentence

I think I will forever love this song, be it the metal version of the acoustic version, as shown above.

Anyway, I realize that while the problem is with me, I have also realized that the root of all this is that I have opened myself up way more this year. I end up feeling vulnerable, I end up expecting a sense of recoprocation just because I trust myself to people more.

Not that all is bad, but I tend to try to avoid doing so due to me just being me. And not saying I should just shut out the people I have opened up to the past year or two, they are still friends I should keep, but maybe I should tone down in terms of expressing myself, my life and my thoughts so easily. They tend to come back to haunt me.

And also, there are those people whom are really not worth holding on to. No need to cling to these people. Trim the fat and excess, enjoy the quality that remains.

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Bass Covers

Barely written any new songs this year, just one, Ocean Fever. In the meantime here are bass covers I did since returning to Singapore.

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Marooned

“My emotional outlet
is consuming the better part of me
And apart from the wrong words
a tortured cry is making me see”

The Gathering, Marooned.

After the bust up with Isabel a few weeks back, I have begun to doubt literally almost all my friendships. I have always seen this, that friends always let me down but I always let it pass cos they are my friends after all.

I grow more weary day by day; I think to myself, seriously, what’s the point in all this? What’s the point in trying to reach out to people when they just piss me off in the end? Why do I even take the initiative? Let them be, if they want to talk to me, let them talk. That’s what I used to think, and this thought is now resurfacing.

What’s the point of being back to people saying ‘welcome back’ when literally no one gives two shits?

I used to let them be, telling myself that people will call or text me when they need me. The only thing was, no one ever did. I was all alone. I literally felt useless and invisible and really expendable.

Perhaps I am equally useless, invisible and expendable now. The only difference is that I don’t need anyone either now. Alone I live, alone I shal die. There is no need to drag others into this pit of recluse if they do not want to be.

Actually, the problem is probably me, not friends. Actually, that IS the problem. I am willing to go a bit out of my way for friends, that’s totally fine, I am only frustrated and angry because no friend will do likewise. So yes, the problem is me, I refuse to reach out anymore, but is it REALLY my own fault?

For the past week and a half, other than a wedding/house warming event and the usual night soccer, I have not left the house at all, not have I texted more than 5 people. This seems to be totally fine and I am finally beginning to accept my fate as never being able to live in, no, with this world.

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These Memories I Cling To – XII: Sleeper

We were nearing the end of the school year of 2014. In fact, school was already over. We were just waiting to go home. I was at least, the others were waiting to graduate.

Andi and I decided to head out to the Tamar Island Wetlands for the first time. It was one of those places that we know exist, but never bothered to go. It was spectecular. The landscape was calm and serene, its placid water surface only moved by the gentle ripples of the black swan’s graceful waddles. It was spring, the green was lush, the air was cool and Tasmania’s sunsets never disappoint.

I began to wonder why I never visited this place earlier. It would have been a perfect place for me to soothe my worries, especially during my times of despair and distraught.

Never too late I guess. It was somewhere I visited for short walks often this year – be it alone or with friends.

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